Today marks seven years since that fateful day in 2011 when my future was forever changed, or at least revealed. Cancer does that to you. Whether you are a survivor, an ongoing fighter, a caregiver, or the family left behind, you will never be the same. While this was not a shock to God, it most certainly was to us! I will never forget one minute of that day. I can still envision the moments in the waiting room, the doctor’s words/voice/tone, his simple “I’m so sorry…,” the stack of papers that I left with, my call to my mom/to Paul, pouring over those papers with him at a Chinese buffet, and sitting at this very computer a hour later when he walked through the door announcing that THIS is where he needed to be. That was when it hit me. I had cancer.
Fast forward seven years, one stem cell transplant, two CAR T-Cell trials, two donor lymphocyte infusions, one parathyroidectomy, one knee replacement, a jillion trips to MDA, and a partridge in a pear tree later and I still have cancer with all the trimmings. But I’m still here!!! I have outlived a business partner and a dear church friend. Survival guilt is a real thing. Many of you may wonder why I push myself the way I do to see my friends and family. It’s simple. I really have no idea how long I have left. None of us do, to be honest. Maybe a year. Maybe ten. All our days are numbered. I simply choose to make mine count as much as possible. No worries. No fussing. Just love of God, family, friends, and this beautiful world He has given us. It’s really pretty simple.
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Matthew 22:36-40
“Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
let the sea resound, and all that is in it.
Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them;
let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.”
Psalm 96:11-12
Life is good. And I am thankful.
August 29, 2018
August 10, 2018
It Hit Me Last Night
We have been SO busy making the most of every moment, taking care of mom, and just trying to keep up with all that is going on with those closest to us that the gravity of what I am about to embark on didn’t really hit me until last night. I have been teasing that I am going on a three-week vacation to MD Anderson! And maybe next time I’ll choose someplace like Cabo!!
The fact of the matter is this is a bigger deal than I may have intimated. And the fact that I “look so good” doesn’t help folks from thinking that I’m really ok and that this is probably not that serious. I have been very fortunate to be able to maintain my non-sickly appearance, but I truly believe it has a great deal to do with attitude. The Lord has been gracious to me and given me the ability to not worry…at least not about this. ☺ Worry doesn’t add a moment to our life…really only takes away.
The part that hit me last night was not being sick from the chemo or whether or not the cells will buy back my remission, it was the fact that I will not get to sleep next to my Paul for three weeks. :/ That is by far the hardest part. It was the first time I have cried about any of this. But I guess it’s a payoff. Hopefully, prayerfully, these three weeks will buy us many more years of time together. So we sacrifice three weeks for three years and hopefully more…lots more!
Yesterday, I was talking with my dear friend about trials and how some folks have a skewed view of them and their purpose in our lives. We have mistakenly thought that trials are given to us to make us stronger, but that often creates a dependence on self rather than the Lord…an “I’ve got this” mentality. Perhaps our trials should drive us to lean more on the Lord, into The Word, into His Arms, under His Wing… time spent with Him, even in our heart, mind, and prayer. When we lean on Him, our confidence and trust is through Him, and that is what makes us stronger.
So as we each walk our own journey, let us lean on our Saviour.
“The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him.”
Psalm 28:7
The fact of the matter is this is a bigger deal than I may have intimated. And the fact that I “look so good” doesn’t help folks from thinking that I’m really ok and that this is probably not that serious. I have been very fortunate to be able to maintain my non-sickly appearance, but I truly believe it has a great deal to do with attitude. The Lord has been gracious to me and given me the ability to not worry…at least not about this. ☺ Worry doesn’t add a moment to our life…really only takes away.
The part that hit me last night was not being sick from the chemo or whether or not the cells will buy back my remission, it was the fact that I will not get to sleep next to my Paul for three weeks. :/ That is by far the hardest part. It was the first time I have cried about any of this. But I guess it’s a payoff. Hopefully, prayerfully, these three weeks will buy us many more years of time together. So we sacrifice three weeks for three years and hopefully more…lots more!
Yesterday, I was talking with my dear friend about trials and how some folks have a skewed view of them and their purpose in our lives. We have mistakenly thought that trials are given to us to make us stronger, but that often creates a dependence on self rather than the Lord…an “I’ve got this” mentality. Perhaps our trials should drive us to lean more on the Lord, into The Word, into His Arms, under His Wing… time spent with Him, even in our heart, mind, and prayer. When we lean on Him, our confidence and trust is through Him, and that is what makes us stronger.
So as we each walk our own journey, let us lean on our Saviour.
“The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him.”
Psalm 28:7
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