A Shot of Rum

When I was 17, I smoked one, actually only a portion of one, cigarette.  I was mad at my parents about trying to enforce some sort of restriction (parents do that) when I wanted freedom (teenagers want that).  I felt the relaxation from that one indulgence permeate my entire body.  I knew right then that I would never smoke another because that’s why people get addicted to those things!  I also realized that eventually it would take more than just a portion of one cigarette to accomplish the same feeling.  So that was the end of smoking.

Tonight, I had a similar experience with a shot of rum.  I have been so excited to have Paul home taking vacation time this week.  But each day I have had increasing discomfort.  As I am apt to do, I wanted to make the most of each moment…work on projects together, decorate for Christmas together, get our gifts selected and wrapped together, have lovely meals together, and just spend that precious commodity of time…together.  And we have, some.  But mostly, I just don’t feel very well.  I don’t want to take my nap when he’s home.  What was it that I used to say?  “You can sleep when you’re dead!”  Doesn’t seem quite so appropriate anymore.

Anyway (my brother will cringe because I used that segue, but that’s a whole other story), back to the rum.  I have been taking two Motrin PM every night just so I can sleep.  It’s been working fairly well.  But the more tired I get during the day, the worse my nights are.  It sort of feels like what I imagine “restless leg syndrome” must feel like, except all over.  I lay there trying to coax myself into rest to no avail.  Then I feel guilty about feeling bad because I imagine that my mom’s RA, my cousin’s peripheral neuropathy, not to mention my dear husband's back pain, probably feel quite similar.  I, however, can eventually get a bone marrow transplant and feel better…after a while.  They can’t.  Of course, I guess most folks don’t die from RA either.  But I digress.

Back to the rum.  I finally just could not stand it anymore and got up to find something, anything that might help me relax and get some sleep.  So I open the cupboard and pour a shot of rum, warm it up a bit, and sip it down.  I could feel its warmth permeate my entire body.  Then I realized, just like when I was 17, that this is why folks get addicted to this stuff too!  Ugh! 

So what is one to do?  The Transplant Coordinator continues her search for a donor.  And I wait.  I want to wait with dignity, with a smile, with laughter in my voice, with confident hope in my heart.  I want to enjoy every moment with my family and friends.  I have packed and planned tons of fun into this last month of the year not certain what the next will bring.  But it’s difficult to fully embrace each moment when I just don’t have the energy because of the nagging drain of the ache. 

So my prayer request is simple.  Please pray that I can rest without rum, that I can enjoy as many moments as possible, that I will be patient, and that I will be a good girl and take my nap.