It’s been a while since I’ve written for a couple of
reasons. One is that nothing much
has changed physically. My T cells
are still low and my donor vs. my cell percentage are still at 60/40 in one
area. My doctor continues to
reduce my Tacro, immunosuppressant, with the hope that it will encourage the
donor cells to ramp up. I have
only have some very mild GVHD skin symptoms. All in all, no change.
The real reason I haven't written is that I have developed a
new symptom that no one likes to talk about. Depression. I
didn’t believe it at first. Then I
tried to self talk myself out of it, pretend it wasn’t happening. I have always been an upbeat, outgoing,
independent, get a grip kind of gal.
I don’t get depressed! And
I don’t know what to do with myself now that I am.
I share this now because the purpose of this blog is not
just for prayer support but to inform and prepare those who walk this road
after me. Just as I read and
learned from others before me. I
have already heard from so many who have benefitted from our story. It is important to tell this part too.
Chronic fatigue can cause depression. The sheer length of recuperation
downtime can cause depression. The
feeling of dependency, of not contributing, of feeling like you don't have a purpose can all
lead to depression. My doctor told
me last week that over 50% of her transplant patients are on some sort of
anti-depressant. First you’re
given a fatal diagnosis, then you spend months going through the rigors of
transplant, then you spend months in quiet healing. There is a lot of alone time with no productivity. I am continually reminded that my job is to heal.
The fatigue leaves you too tired to do much. There was a stretch when the fatigue
was improving and my few chores were being accomplished easier. I manage to do the laundry, grocery
shopping, and the cooking. (This came with time.) But now
the depression makes me have to talk myself through each step. Depression makes you tired and not feel
like doing the things that you know would make you feel better. It’s a vicious cycle. All you want to do is sleep, but sleep
no longer comes.
So I try to focus on thankfulness. I am thankful that God decided to save me. I don’t know why he chose to let me
live, but I am grateful that He did!
I am thankful for my donor.
I am thankful for my husband/caregiver. He has been my strong, loving supporter through it all. I am thankful for my doctor/medical
team. I am thankful for my mom and
how she has cared for me throughout this year. I am thankful for my cousins, aunts, friends who have taken
me to my appointments. I am
thankful for the countless family and friends who have prayed and sent notes
and cards of encouragement. I am thankful for wonderful children and grandchildren who I love and adore and want to spend years of quality time with. I am thankful for our place in the country where we can go and relax and do the things that bring so much pleasure.
I have to believe that this is just another bump in the
road. Right now it feels huge and
overwhelming. I can’t see around
it. All I can do is believe that
there will be a tomorrow when it will be better. We’ve come this far.
We’ll make it through this as well.
Praying for you, Tamara! Please let me know if there's anything I could do for you like drive you to the doctor's appointment and other stuff.
ReplyDeleteJennifer Carberry
I have been there, done that, and at least 3 times, Tamara. One, it does go away. Two, the best thing that ever helped me was actually verbally asking for help and telling people the depression was like some sort of invader--tangible, real, strong. People held my hand, sat with me, told me jokes, dropped what they were doing to come to my house.
ReplyDeleteI know the same thing would happen to you because I see that comment above mine from Jennifer.
You don't have to work up gratefulness when those things are happening. It comes rushing in, too, just like the depression did, and it makes things better.
The other thing that has helped has been to remind myself that the depression is chemical (or biological, whatever you want to call it). It's not really how I feel or think, just how my brain is reacting to hormones, medication, or plain ol' exhaustion and damage. I literally picture myself ducking down out of my brain, and in that small, curled up position inside, I pray or compose my next teaching or book, etc.
I know that's weird, but it works for me. I'm not telling you to do that, but I am telling you that you will find a way even if yours is weird, too.
Don't be afraid to take a pill if it helps. The depression is fake, produced by bodily or pharmaceutical chemicals, so it's okay to overcome the fake depression with medicine ... as long as that medicine doesn't have worse side effects.
Oh, I'm also learning to play the ukelele. I'm terrible at music, rhythm, singing, everything, but strumming that ukelele is fun, and I seem to be able to do it no matter how tired I am.
We're going to have to meet some day, you know.
We will be traveling on business next March 2014. Hoping to include meeting you!
DeleteThat you still live is quite an evident work of God. You must have found great favor in that God has allowed you to go through all this. You are an inspiration to others! I enjoy reading your blog, and I have no big illness, though I know one who does. Wow, pick a favorite memory or person, and "fake it till you make it" with laughter. Soon you would laugh at yourself just because you are fake laughing. You seem to be such a great patient, working through all this with an effort to help others who may have to walk your walk. I wish I were closer (miles) to be able to come over and make you laugh, or at least take your mind off things for awhile. Bask in the protection of our Lord. We pray for you, and we give thanks for you. Know you are loved! May the spirit of Christmas come upon you and lighten things for you. :)
ReplyDeleteHow far things have come in a year. Thank you for your prayers and kindness.
DeleteOh, how I understand depression. I never anticipated nor was I forewarned that depression may follow treatment. I went into an all time low filled with anxiety and doubt and isolation. I knew I wasn't myself and sought counseling with a social worker. She allowed me to work through my depression; I talked about things others, like family, didn't want to hear. I unloaded all of my secret thoughts and fears. She allowed me to sort out my feelings, adjust to this cancer diagnose and accept my "new normal." It took awhile to work through this time in my life.
ReplyDeleteI searched the internet looking for stories of other survivors and if they got depressed and how they handled their depression. I looked for helps through on line cancer organizations. Three years ago there were few to be found. But I do believe the medical community is catching on to this real post treatment depression, especially with stem cell transplant survivors.
On the right side bar of my blog under "Survivorship Web and Podcasts" are links to some podcasts and webcasts that really helped me. I hope they might help you,too.
May God and His Holy Spirit guide you through this time - I assure you, you will only grow closer to Him!
Cyndi
http://advocateofhope.wordpress.com
This is truly a family.
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